Strange One
by The Marvelous Mad Madam Mim
Summary: For years, Tantomile has been the "freak" of the Jellicle Clan. Shunned by everyone, including her own mother, Tanto struggles to find herself, and at the same time, come to terms with the gift she has been given.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Freak. That's what they call me. I never understood why—I am one of them; I always have been. I was born into their tribe; I have spent my entire life under their watchful eyes. Still, I do not belong.

I was born to Skimbleshanks and Jennyanydots—two fine and respectable Jellicles, members of the Elder's Council, even! I have a twin brother, Coricopat. We came into this world in the usual way, but it wasn't long before my mother realized there was something different about us. Coricopat and I were blessed—or cursed—with the gift of the mystics. We could read minds and communicate telepathically. I could see the future, occasionally; Corico could do other tricks with his mind as well.

Immediately my mother was filled with fear. Jennyanydots is a very intelligent cat; she's read tons of human books. And she knew of the stigma against cats and mystics in the Dark Ages—a stigma that she feared would resurrect itself if anyone found out about our powers.

So, at a very young age, I was taught by my mother that my gift was very bad—something to be ashamed of, something to hide and lie about.

Of course, things like that never stay hidden.

~*~

"Tanto!" Dem cried out joyously. "I found you! You're it!"

The small kitten scampered away happily to hide herself. I smiled to myself, knowing I could always win the game simply by reading someone's mind. I chose Corico, whom I found rather quickly thanks to my telepathic abilities.

"No fair!" My brother wailed. "You cheated!"

"How could she cheat, Corico?" Asparagus, Dem's littermate, rolled his eyes. Corico defended himself, "She did! She read my mind and found my hiding place!"

"She read your mind?" Dem gave a giggle of disbelief. "C'mon, Coricopat—that's not possible!"

"Yes it is," I stepped forward. Despite being angry at Corico for giving away our secret, I felt the need to defend my brother's statement. Dem turned to me with wide eyes, "You can read minds?"

"Prove it," Asparagus challenged. I sat up a little straighter, "Fine. You're angry because Dem ate the last mouse this morning, and you didn't get breakfast. And Dem has a crush on Alonzo."

"I do not," Demeter turned fifty shades of red. Coricopat nodded, "Yes, you do."

Asparagus grinned wickedly at his sister, "Who else does she like?"

"Don't!" Demeter looked at us pleadingly. Corico stepped forward, "We won't read her mind against her will, Gus."

Asparagus shrugged. Demeter, eager to change to subject, pointed to Jellyorum, "What is my mom thinking?"

I tuned my brain into her inner thoughts, "She's just going through a to-do list in her head. Errands to run, boring adult stuff."

"What about your mom?" Dem motioned to Jennyanydots, who sat beside Jellyorum. I turned my attention to reading her thoughts. Then something strange happened.

My mother whirled around, shooting me an angry look. I felt the door to her mind close with force. How had she known? Corico and I had learned early on that no one could feel us reading their mind—that's what made it so fun.

But Mother had definitely felt us sifting through her thoughts. And she was not pleased.

~*~

"I cannot believe you!" Mother paced the kitchen floor. We were back at the human house—Mother had waited until we were away from everyone else to scold us. "How many times have I told you not to use your powers?"

"What's the point in having powers if you can't use them?" I complained. Corico just sat there quietly. I was by far the more vocal of the two. I did not fear my mother's wrath—even when it loomed so threateningly above me, like now.

"Tantomile!" My mother thundered. "You are never to use your powers—for any reason! Do you know what could happen to you if someone found out?"

"Dem and Gus know," I crossed my arms with a pout. "And they're still our friends."

"What?!" My mother practically shrieked. "You told them?"

I nodded. She shook me, "Why on earth did you tell them?"

"It was Corico's fault!" I cried out, pointing an accusing finger at my brother. "He let it slip when we were playing hide-and-seek."

"Only cuz Tanto cheated and used her powers to find me!" Corico's cheeks were hot with anger. Mother smacked both of us—not hard, but hard enough to get our attention, "Enough squabbling. You're both to blame. Oh, Bast, why did you give me such wayward kittens?"

She turned away dramatically. Mother always was a bit overdramatic about things. She turned back to us slowly, her face etched with worry. "Do you know what would happen if certain cats found out? Mystics are not looked upon favorably in this tribe—especially since Macavity went dark."

"But we're not like Macavity!" Corico cried out. Mother shook her head, "I know, darling, but some cats won't look far enough to realize that. As soon as they hear 'mystic', they'll come after you like a revolutionary mob in Paris."

I had no idea what a revolutionary mob in Paris was, but I wisely chose to keep my mouth shut. It was probably something horrible that Mother had discovered in her readings; either way it didn't sound good.

"Oh, my babies," she was smiling tenderly now, cupping each of our faces in one of her paws. "You just don't know how dark the world is. Cats who are different are not always treated nicely."

Different. My mother always called us that. Different. Never special.

~*~

The next few weeks passed with little change. One day, Demeter brought a gangly red kitten to our little group of rag-tag kits.

"This is Bombalurina, my bestest friend," she announced proudly as the strange kitten smiled nervously at us. Alonzo, of course, jumped forward and took charge, making the introductions. I looked at this kitten curiously. Already I had begun to feel the slow change of tide, the slow pull that would draw the other cats away from us instinctively. I just assumed that it was because the Jellicle Tribe could only accept so many—Corico and I had just gotten the short end of the deal, so to speak. The Tribe could not accept anyone else.

So I looked down on this newcomer with woeful eyes._ Sorry, little one, but you'll never fit in here. They're already got all the pieces to the puzzles; they don't need anymore. No matter how hard you try, it won't work._

I assumed that was life—just as mothers and fathers only had so much love to give, so the Tribe only had so much love to share. Those born last, like Corico and I, were left on the fringes.

Then, something strange happened. They accepted Bombalurina.

And I suddenly I realized: it wasn't that there wasn't any room left in the Tribe. There simply wasn't any place for a freak. A freak like me.

~*~

As the time passed, our friendship with Demeter and Asparagus began to fade. Alonzo stopped asking us to join games. Other kittens stopped inviting us over to play. Older cats stopped greeting us whenever we passed. We soon became like ghosts.

I could see the pain in my mother's eyes, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to reverse the tide, to undo what had been done. Looking back, I could see that things had slowly been moving towards this all along, by varying degrees Corico and I had been removing ourselves from the rest of the tribe—or perhaps the tribe had been removing us, I'm not really sure. Either way, the effect was irreversible.

No one even noticed us anymore. But then it seems Fate intervened.

~*~

We were sitting quietly at a meeting of the Elders, listening to our mother drone on and on about education reform—she felt the need to teach kits to read human. Suddenly, I felt a slight wave of dizziness wash over me—momentarily at first, but returning with increasing intensity.

"Are you alright?" Corico turned to me. I swooned slightly. Suddenly, I felt my body jolt up, as if I were controlled by some unseen hand. A beam of white light shot through me; I heard myself speak, but in a voice that was not my own:

"_Tonight a Jellicle shall lose its life. _

_Tonight will tip the balance between wrong and right. _

_On this night, many nights from tonight_

_A Jellicle will lose its flower_

_On this night, many nights from tonight_

_A great one will come into its power_

_Because of tonight, a mystic dies_

_Because of tonight, evil shall rise_

_An ancient shall come into being_

_A dead shall return to living_

_Tonight begins a tale of woe—_

_How dark its end, we may never know!_

_For the events set into motion on this darkest of nights, _

_will not reach their end til the eighth Jellicle Light_."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

When I awoke, I was surrounded by concerned faces. My mother rushed over, "Tanto, what have you done?"

"I-I-I didn't do anything," I sat up shakily, my head still throbbing from my out-of-body experience. "It just…happened. I don't know how."

"She had a vision," Teathrice explained calmly, her golden eyes on mine. "She has the gift of prophecy—it cannot be controlled. The Future announces itself whenever it feels like it."

"But…what did it mean?" Jenny looked at the grey queen. Teathrice shrugged, "Prophecies are very hard to decipher. Even when the Future makes itself known, it is always ambiguous. The Future can change, even after prophecy. It depends on the cat."

My mother looked at me, "Well, Tanto? What does it mean?"

"I don't know," I replied weakly. I could feel a heavy sleep seeping into my bones. "I'm so tired. Can we talk about this is the morning?"

"Tantomile, now is not the time for games!" My mother scolded. I could tell she was angry, but I was too tired to care.

"Perhaps she should stay here," Teathrice said gently, casting a cautious look in my mother's directions. Everyone was well aware of Jennyanydot's infamous temper. "With me."

Mother straightened up, "Excellent idea, Teathrice. Alright, all of you, give her some air. Let her rest til morning. Come, Coricopat, we're going home."

With that, my mother disappeared, Corico trailing along behind her. He cast me a worried glance. I forced a smile. I did not possess the strength to send him a reassuring telepathic message.

"Just rest," Teathrice put a comforting arm around me. It was odd, being touched by a stranger. I didn't have much physical contact with any of the cats—Corico and I communicated telepathically, there wasn't much need for touching.

I nodded, grateful to be away from Mother. If Teathrice hadn't spoken up, Jenny would still be haranguing me for answers. I drifted into uneasy sleep.

~*~

I awoke the next morning, stiff but well rested. Teathrice was sitting next to me, her kindly eyes watching over me as I slept. She gave a soft smile, "How do you feel, Tantomile?"

"Much better, thanks," I returned the smile as best I could. It felt odd, smiling. I didn't do it very often.

"Do you remember what happened last night?" Teathrice's golden eyes searched my face. I nodded, "I had a vision. A prophecy."

Teathrice gave a small nod. Her eyes seemed to penetrate my soul once more, "Do you remember what you said?"

"Um," I took a moment to collect my thoughts. I took a deep breath and repeated as much as I could remember. Teathrice listened intently, nodding gravely from time to time. When I finished, I turned to the older queen with expectation, "What does it mean?"

Teathrice's fine features were set in uncertainty, "It is hard to say, Tantomile. But part of your prophecy has already come true. Did you know that this very morning Deuteronomy's mate, Tyrophilia, was found dead?"

"Tyro's dead?" I felt my stomach drop with dead weight. I knew she had been injured by Bombalurina several months earlier, but I had assumed that she was doing better.

Teathrice nodded gravely, "Yes. Apparently her wounds became infected. She died during the night."

"So…my prophecy was true," I said slowly, trying to absorb the information. Teathrice leaned forward earnestly, "Yes, Tanto, which is why you must try to remember everything that you said. It is very important, so that we may prepare for what is to come."

I nodded, still trying to take it all in. Teathrice must have noticed my dazed expression, for she put a reassuring paw on my shoulder, her warm smile filling me with an odd sense of comfort, "Come. Old Deuteronomy has called a meeting of the Jellicle this morning. We must attend."

I dutifully followed Teathrice through the junkyard, to the platform where Old Deuteronomy stood, looking out at the Jellicles with sorrowed eyes. As we wove our way through the crowd, I could hear the whispers.

"There's Tantomile—"

"—predicted Tyro's death last night—"

"What other powers does she have?"

"—I hear she can read minds—"

"Doesn't she just give you the creeps?"

"She's a dark angel—"

"—bringer of death—"

"—cursed—"

"—prophecy—"

"—strange—"

"—_freak_."

The last word fell on my ears like a death toll. So far, I had been able to avoid that ugly word—that word that now hit my face like mud, that slid down my cheek like filth. I recoiled at that word—what a horrible, hateful word! Teathrice continued moving ahead of me; she had learned long ago to block out the whispers.

Not knowing what else to do, I continued walking, never turning my head to the right or the left, even though I could still hear the whispers of fear and ignorance whirl around me like eddying pools in a stream.

I could see from my mother's crestfallen expression that she, too, could hear the whispers. Her face looked at me with such sorrow, as if to say, _I told you, darling. I told you they would not understand._

Mother was right. They did not understand. How could they? They feared me now—I was the bringer of death. With a single word, I could kill a cat. In reality, I had only predicted Tyro's death, but that fact seemed to slip the minds of the Jellicle population.

_Tanto_.

It was Corico. I looked around, as if seeing the crowd for the very first time. I spotted my brother, at our usual meeting perch. I bounded up to him, relieved to see a friendly face in the sea of distrust.

_You OK?_ His voice echoed in my head.

_I'll be better once this is all over_, I shot him a mental message. He nodded. Then he looked out at the crowd, _They're watching us._

_Ignore them._

_It's hard. I can feel their eyes burning my skin._

_In a few days, they won't even remember we're here_, I reassured him. _It'll be just like it was before_.

_I think it'll be more than a few days before they forget this_, Corico's inner voice held a wry tone.

I shot him a look that could have withered an oak tree, _Enough funny business_.

Old Deuteronomy was speaking now. "As most of you know, Tyrophilia died last night. It appears that the wounds she received from her fight with Bombalurina became infected. So, as punishment, I am extending Bombalurina's sentence to another full year of exile."

There was a slight gasp from the crowd. Bombalurina had been exiled for fighting with Tyro; she was supposed to return soon. I heard Dem whisper to her mother, "That's not fair! It's not even Bombie's fault."

The second line of my prophecy returned to my mind. _Tonight will tip the balance between wrong and right_.

Apparently, Teathrice remembered that line as well; she looked at me in mild alarm. I nodded, letting her know that I felt the same. It was wrong to punish Bombalurina for Tyro's death, but in his grief, Old Deuteronomy justified his actions. The scale had been tipped—in the wrong direction.

~*~

Coricopat was right. The others did not forget us as quickly as I had hoped. Everywhere I went, I could feel eyes upon me. The cats would part like the Red Sea whenever I entered the yard; no one wanted to be anywhere near me. I used to think being ignored was bad; now I wished I could sink back into anonymity.

One day, as I was passing by some kits, I heard one cry out, "Look, it's Tanto—the witch!"

I whirled around at the sound of the voice. I did not recognize the kitten, but then again, I didn't know many of the cats who were in the Tribe.

"Great," whispered the second kit in fear and alarm. "Now she's gonna cast a spell on us and kill us all, like she did Tyro."

I felt as if I had been struck by lightning. I could not move. I stared at the kits dumbly; I lost all ability to speak or think. There was a moment of horror as the kits stared back at me, their eyes wide with fear. The fear in their eyes hurt worse than their careless words--that look of distrust, how it cut my very heart!

Finally, I regained control of myself. I was now enveloped in an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I turned away and disappeared into the shadows, trying to prevent the flood of sobs that threatened to fill my eyes, bombarding my chests with their quick, rapid shudders. They were kittens—mere kittens!—and yet they already knew the language of fear and hatred.

I moved away from the hustle and bustle of the yard, to the farthest corner. I sat under a tree and cried until I felt my heart would break. I was so confused—how had they hurt me so deeply? I did not even know them! I had always told myself that I did not care what others thought; that I was strong enough to deal with the rejection my abilities had caused. But now here I was, reduced to tears by some foolish kittens!

"Tantomile," came a voice from above, cool and soft. I looked up to see Teathrice, resting in the branches of the oak tree. I quickly wiped my tears, looking for an excuse, "I-I-I was just—"

"Ignorant cats say ignorant things," Teathrice seemed to read my mind. I knew she didn't actually read my mind because I would have felt it if she did. I often wondered how she could be so perceptive and not possess telepathic abilities.

"My mother warned me that this would happen," I sniffled again, shaking my head sadly. "I always knew—a part of me just always sensed it—that this day would come. The day the other cats remembered that Corico and I were mystics, the day they shunned us. I thought I would be strong enough, when the time came. I didn't think it would hurt this much."

Teathrice's kind face frowned with compassion. She patted the spot next to her on the branch, "Come. Sit with me."

I nodded and climbed up beside her. We sat there, side by side in silence for several minutes. Finally, Teathrice spoke, looking out over the yard with her somber eyes, "It may not seem like it, but you have a gift, Tantomile. You may be ridiculed, or even hated for it, but that is the price we pay for possessing such a gift."

"But I did not ask for this gift," I replied through my tears. "Never would I have asked for such a thing."

Teathrice smiled at me softly, "No one asks for this cursed blessing, darling. The Everlasting Cat gives it to the cat who can use it to do the most good."

"How can my prediction do anyone any good?" I was incredulous. Teathrice shrugged, "We may never know. But remember Tantomile: you were chosen. Set aside. You were given this unique gift; from your birth you were destined for greatness. You may never see your purpose, but you must realize that this gift was given to you for a reason. We all have gifts—some are different than others—and it is our job to find out what those gifts are and how to use them for the greater good."

I nodded slowly; the first glimpse of hope had begun to dawn on my soul. Perhaps Teathrice was right—I was chosen to possess this gift, chosen to use this gift to help the Tribe. On my darkest of days, I would recall this conversation and Teathrice's kind words. It was her words of comfort that would keep me from total despair.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

The next few months were very hard for me. My own mother became uneasy around me—ever since the night of my prophecy, Jennyanydots had spent less and less time in my presence. Corico and I were already over a year old, so I set out to find my own place in the world—away from my disapproving mother and my practically non-existent father. Skimbleshanks was a good father, don't get me wrong, but he was never there. He was the Railway Cat, spending only a few days with us before heading off to the northern part of the Northern Hemisphere. He was the one who shielded us from Mother's stern ways, the one who told us we were special in a good way, who encouraged us. He even told me I was pretty—I knew he was lying, but it still felt nice to hear him say it.

Still, my father understood when I announced that I had found some humans across town. He just gave a slight nod of his head, as he always did, and looked at me with a smile, "Well, Tanto, you're a groawn cat knaow. Ay respect yore decision."

I had left that very day, with my father's blessing. It wasn't very long before Coricopat joined me—he could not stand to be separated. I was stronger than him in those days—I was the one who stepped out first, the one who touched first, who spoke first. Corico just followed me with the steadfastness of a brother.

The cats at the yard still whispered when we came by—now I had learned to blot out their words, to ignore the slights. And yet, I could still feel the eyes—the eyes that followed me with suspicion, that looked on me with fear.

Soon it was time for the Jellicle Ball. Corico and I did not attend. I heard through the grapevine that Bombalurina had appeared—against Jellicle Law, since she was still an exile. I thought she was either very brave or very stupid. Corico commented that it was dangerous mixture of both. Little did I know, her appearance set into motion the latter half of my prophecy. What can I say? Hindsight is 20/20.

~*~

The next few months passed like a blur. Corico and I entered our second year somewhere along the way—I was never sure of my birthday, because Mother did not celebrate it. Apparently it was not good manners to celebrate the birth of freaks.

The whispers had died down; the looks had stopped. Corico and I disappeared back into our old ways. Soon, it was as if we did not exist.

"I don't even know why we come here," I said aloud one day. I did not feel like talking telepathically to my brother.

"What do you mean?" Corico looked at me curiously. "This is our home."

I gave a contemptuous snort, "Our home? No. Our home is with our humans. This is just a junkyard. Why do we come here? No one wants us here—look, they don't even notice us! Or if they do, it is only because they want to come and stare at the freaks—like humans and their zoos!"

"Hey," Coricopat sat up. "That's not—"

"When's the last time any of them has spoken to us?" I challenged. "When is the last time someone smiled at you? When, Corico, when?"

"I…don't know," he admitted, hanging his head in shame.

"Then why are we still here?" I asked. He looked at me with sorrowed eyes, seeming in that moment much younger than I was. "I just go where you go, Mil."

I felt my resolve crumble. Here I was, taking my anger out on the one cat who didn't look upon me with fear. I felt awful. "I'm sorry, Cori."

He gave a small nod, silently forgiving me. He always did, no matter how cruel I had been to him. I felt a sudden rush of emotion for my brother—my only friend, my only companion against the darkness.

I did a strange thing: I hugged him.

~*~

It may not seem strange to you, but it was for us. Corico and I did not touch—ever. We had spent our lives side by side, but we refrained from contact. We had a deeper connection; we were linked by telepathic chords. We never saw the need to express our affection in a physical way.

When I finished embracing him, Corico regarded me with uncertain eyes, "Are you OK?"

I gave a small laugh—another rare thing for me. "I'm…fine. I'm more than fine—I'm great. I just…thank you, Corico. Thanks for being my brother."

"I didn't really have a choice," he pointed out with a grin. We both laughed again. I shook my head, "I know. But you could have left me a long time ago—after the prophecy, when everyone regarded me like the plague. You didn't have to stand by me, to fight my battles. But you did, and I'm grateful for that."

"I'm your brother," he said simply. "It's my job."

~*~

It was during this time that I began to reflect on Teathrice's words. She had said something—something that I didn't catch at first, but later it hit me like a ton of bricks.

_You have a gift, Tantomile. You may be ridiculed, or even hated for it, but that is the price we pay for possessing such a gift._

The price we pay. _We_. Teathrice had included herself in that number. Suddenly, I realized how she knew so much about prophecies, how she understood my pain. The night of my vision, she was the only one who seemed to know anything about the matter—how I felt, how I couldn't control it, how I could not interpret my own prophecy. It all made perfect sense—she knew because she, too, had the gift of foresight.

I set out to find the grey queen. She was my only kindred spirit; I must show her that I knew her secret, that I understood. That I could be there for her, like she was for me.

"Teathrice," I said breathlessly as I approached the grey queen. She turned to me with a mild look of surprise, "Tantomile. How nice to see you."

"You can see the Future, too." I was never good at small talk. She sat back, her gold eyes widened in shock. It was as if I had sucker punched her in the stomach. I instantly regretted my abrupt declaration.

Teathrice took a deep breath, her voice low and reserved, "Yes, Tantomile. Yes, I can."

"Why didn't you say so?" My curiosity was stronger than my regret. Teathrice looked away, staring out at the other Jellicles who milled around the yard. "Because I knew what would happen if I did—Tantomile, you can act like you didn't hear the whispers, the cruel words from the others, but I know you did. I'm not strong enough to bear that. Unlike you, I don't have a twin who understands and accepts me unconditionally. No one knows about my gift except for Old Deuteronomy."

"But…" I trailed off, my voice filled with the hurt that I had tried to hide. "You could have at least told me. You could have let me know that I wasn't alone."

"Oh, Tantomile," Teathrice took a step closer, as if she wanted to reach out to me, but feared my response. "I thought it was better this way—you were never alone. Besides, I wanted to you find your own strength—the cat inside of you who could rise above all this. I didn't want you to rely on me for support. I wanted you to find your own way."

"That is the worst excuse I have ever heard," I said flatly. I saw the hurt look in Teathrice's eyes and instantly regretted my words. Deep down, I knew she was right. But that did not stop me from feeling hurt and from lashing out. "You were just too afraid of what the others would say if they knew. You were too worried about what everyone else would think—you couldn't sacrifice your vanity."

Teathrice's gaze fell to the ground. She spoke, quietly, "That is not true, and you know it."

The grey queen rose to her feet with a heavy sigh, her eyes never meeting mine, "Now, if you will excuse me, I have business to attend to."

She brushed past me. She took a few steps, before turning to look at me with sorrowed eyes, "We can't all be as strong as you are, Tantomile. Some of us just aren't meant to possess such strength. But that doesn't mean our weakness should be viewed as a sin."

With that, the grey queen walked away. I felt a slight anger grow within me. Weakness was a sin—the worst possible sin, in my opinion. For some odd reason, I felt that Teathrice had betrayed me, because she was not strong enough to declare her power to the world.

Then I became angry at myself—why had I pushed away the only friend I had ever had, besides my brother? Why could I not simply nod my head, tell her I understood, and accept the friendship she had so kindly offered? Wasn't that what I wanted—to be accepted? Wasn't that the exact same reason I was angry at Teathrice—because she had wanted to be accepted?

I shook my head angrily, trying to dispel my muddled thoughts. I knew I would have to apologize, to beg her forgiveness, even if it wounded my pride. But I couldn't do it today. No, I needed time to let my anger disappear before I saw Teathrice again.

~*~

It was a week before I finally mustered enough courage to approach Teathrice again. She regarded me with uncertainty, "Tantomile. What brings you here?"

She was being very civil, but for a cat who generally possessed a warm nature like Teathrice, her greeting seemed as cold as a winter wind.

"I…I wanted to apologize," I took a breath to steady myself. My stomach was tying itself in knots. What if she did not accept my apology? I had been very cruel; I didn't deserve her forgiveness.

Teathrice's face softened into a smile, "Oh. Thank you, Tantomile. The thing is, I wanted to apologize, too—for not telling you sooner. I wanted to—really, I did—but I was still so afraid."

"But I would have understood," I reminded her gently. "Of all the cats in London, I would have understood better than anyone."

"I know," she said quietly. "But that did not stop the fear inside of me."

I nodded, trying to remember how I felt before everyone knew of my gift. I could be understanding; I could. I forced a smile—an odd thing for me, "It's Ok, Teathrice. But I do want you to know…I'm here. If ever you need anything—"

Tears welled up in her eyes. I suddenly felt that I had said something wrong, "What's the matter?"

"Oh, nothing," Teathrice gave a small laugh, wiping away her tears. "It's just…I've never had anyone say that to me before."

"Never?" I couldn't believe it. Teathrice was beautiful, well spoken—everyone adored her. She was my polar opposite. So how could we have shared the same history?

Teathrice shook her head, "Never. You see, I joined the Jellicles when I was very young—about your age. And I never…really connected with anyone. I mean, I know everyone; I get along well with the other queens, and the kits seem to like me. I'm one of the Elders, for crying out loud! But I just never felt like an insider. Like I had someone."

"Well, now you do," I smiled genuinely this time. Teathrice returned the smile, her face lighting up once more. And that was how I made my very first friend.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

The months passed with little change. Teathrice and I grew closer as friends. I suddenly had a reason to go to the junkyard—I would spend my days with the grey queen. We would sit side by side, sometimes without speaking for hours, and watch the others go about their day—two outsiders calmly watching the insiders, like detached observers. But between Teathrice and Coricopat, I felt complete. I didn't need anyone else. I had a brother who loved me and a friend who shared my pain.

Still, from time to time, the desire to be part of the Tribe would slip into my thoughts. I would watch the kittens play, remembering a time when I, too, had played those games with Demeter and Alonzo and Asparagus. When I was still "normal", before anyone knew my secret. I would watch the cats come and go in couples, cooing softly to each other in the evening light. Deep down, I felt a small pang at the realization that I would never understand what that was like. I would never know the joys of love or even the excruciating pain of heartbreak; I would never experience motherhood or any of the other rites of passage that the other Jellicle queens went through. Those doors would always be closed to me.

Then, something strange happened. Bombalurina returned, after spending over two years in exile. We had assumed she was dead, because she did not return when her sentence ended. I could tell from Demeter's guarded replies that she knew why Bombalurina didn't return; but I chose not to read her mind for the answer. Besides, I wasn't too terribly interested in where she had been. I was more concerned with where she was going.

I will admit, I was entranced by Bombalurina—how did she do it? She was an outsider, a former exile, still she found a place among the Jellicles. Within a matter of days she had done what I had spent my life trying rather unsuccessfully to do: she found her place in the Tribe. But I saw how she achieved this—she carved it out with her claws, she pushed and shoved and re-arranged everyone until she created a niche for herself. I could never do that—that required a certain audacity, a certain boldness, a survival instinct that I did not possess. Underneath her coy looks, behind those batting eyes lay the mind of a fighter, a survivor. She would fight to survive, to find her place.

I possessed strength, but I did not possess boldness. I became slightly envious of her; I felt the old tug of longing in my soul. Life with Teathrice and Coricopat was pleasant, but it wasn't enough. For once—just once!—I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be looked at—not with fear, but with admiration. I wanted to walk through the yard and be greeted with kindly words, rather than suspicious stares.

I shared my feelings with my brother. Coricopat just looked blankly at me, "But, Mil, this is how it's always been; how it will always be. Me and you, we're just not like them. We never will be."

"But we could try," I said, almost pleadingly. Corico shook his head sadly. "You can't just change everything about yourself. It's who you are."

"Maybe I don't like who I am," I replied stonily. Cori's sudden stubbornness was making me angry. Still, I pushed away my anger and tried to reason with him, "C'mon, Coricopat. Don't you remember when we were younger, before anyone knew? Wasn't it nice, being able to walk into the yard and not feel like everyone you met was frightened by you? You cannot honestly say that you are happy, living like this!"

"I am," Corico said simply, his eyes focusing on mine. "I have you; I don't need anyone else. Why shouldn't I be happy?"

That's when I realized how truly different we had become. Unlike my twin, I would not accept the fate that I had been handed. And not even my brother's pleading would change that.

~*~

_There's still time to change your mind_, Cori's inner voice echoed in my head. _We can still just_ _go home._

_Not a chance_, I flashed him a warning look. He took the hint. I heard him give a small sigh of despair.

_Stop moping_, I reprimanded.

_I can't do this._

_Yes you can._

_I'm going to be sick._

_Oh, don't be such a baby!_ I rolled my eyes_. Just go up to them, ask them how's it going, and make small talk._

_Why don't you?_ My twin challenged.

_You're better at socializing than I am_, I reminded him. I forced a reassuring smile, _Now go on_. _I'll be right here, in case anything goes wrong._

_What're you gonna do, prophesy and save the day?_ He smirked. I gave him a swift rap on the head. My brother took a deep breath before making his way to the toms sitting by the old car. I quickly hid in the pipe, so that I could witness the events.

"Hey, fellas," Corico flashed the warmest of smiles. He really did have a nice smile.

"Hey, Coricopat," Admetus sat up a little straighter. They seemed a bit put off by his sudden friendliness, but they weren't afraid of him. "How's it goin'?"

"Pretty good," Coricopat took another breath. I could sense his discomfort melting away with each passing moment. He looked around hopefully, "How about you?"

"Can't complain," Alonzo stretched out over the hood of the car. They were now comfortable around Cori again. Suddenly, Alonzo sat up quickly, "Look alive, boys. Mamacita's on the move."

At that point, Bombalurina rounded the corner, her hips swaying as she made her way past the toms. She flashed them all a winning smile, "Good afternoon, boys."

"Hiya, Boms," Admetus grinned. Bombalurina tapped his nose playfully, "Admetus, you naughty boy, I was just thinking about you."

"You were?" Admetus' face lit up. The red queen nodded. Admetus boldly stepped forward, slipping his arm around her waist, "What were you thinking about?"

"Oh, that's a secret," her voice dropped into a breathy whisper. She looked around with feigned concern, "Besides, I'd be too embarrassed to repeat it."

"Perhaps you could tell me in private?"

Bombalurina gave a low chuckle, "Perhaps later, Tiger. I've got to meet Dem for lunch right now."

I watched this exchange from my hiding place, rolling my eyes at Admetus' foolishness. I didn't have to read his mind to know what he was thinking about; nor did I have to read Bombalurina's mind to know that she had not been thinking about Admetus—he was merely the first tom she spotted.

The red queen sauntered off. The toms stared after her, mouths slightly agape. Alonzo gave a low whistle, "She knows how to blow your mind, doesn't she?"

Admetus nodded. At that point, Etcetera, Demeter's little sister, rounded the corner, accidentally bumping into Corico. She stepped back, breathless from running so fast, "Have you guys seen Bombie? I've got a bone to pick with her."

"Lemme guess: Tugger," Alonzo said wryly. Etcetera nodded vehemently, "Yes! She knows he's mine!"

"That way," Alonzo pointed lazily in the direction that Bombalurina had headed. Etcetera raced off, without so much as a thank you.

Admetus shook his head with a wry chuckle, "They never learn, do they?"

"Nope," Alonzo gave a chuckle of agreement. After a slight pause, he mused, "I wonder what goes through that crazy little head of hers."

"She thinks if she acts like Bombalurina, then Rum Tum Tugger will notice her and ask her to be his mate," Coricopat said simply. My eyes widened in shock—he had read her mind! We had made a promise never to read another Jellicle's mind without permission.

Admetus and Alonzo looked at him in amazement. Then they looked at each other. Smiles slid onto their faces.

"I forgot you could read minds," Alonzo slipped off the car and stood beside my brother, putting a friendly arm around him. "A guy like you could come in handy. I need help with my girl, Cassandra. She's a hard read; I assure you. Can't ever figure out what she wants."

"I think I can help," Corico offered with a small smile. I couldn't believe he was doing this. Admetus let out a whoop of joy, "Oh, we've got it now!"

I turned away in disgust. Toms.

But I began to feel the first glimmer of hope. Admetus and Alonzo had been so friendly towards Corico—how readily they had accepted him! Perhaps the tide was changing. Perhaps the Tribe did have room to let us in.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

"Hello ladies," I forced a smile as I lightly landed on the hood of the car. Cassandra and Demeter stared back in shock. I felt the smile drop from my face as nervousness took over. Had I done something wrong?

"H-hello, Tantomile," Demeter gave a strange smile. She sat up a little straighter, cocking her head to the side in guarded curiosity. "Um, how are you today?"

"I'm quite well, thank you," I could feel the distance between us widen like a canyon. Cassandra still did not speak; instead she looked down her regal nose at me in shock and mild disdain. I remembered she didn't speak much. I looked to Demeter expectantly, "And Demeter, how about you?"

"I'm great," the black and gold queen flashed a warm smile. Of all the Jellicles, she always had the friendliest face. She looked around, slight concern furrowing her brow. "Have you seen Bombie? She was supposed to meet us for lunch, but she hasn't shown up."

"I think I saw her talking to Admetus earlier." I responded. Cassandra gave a snort of disdain, "That poor slob. He thinks Bombie's got the hots for him."

"They all think that," Demeter added, and the two giggled. I had nothing to contribute to the conversation, so I kept my mouth shut.

"Who all thinks what?" A voice purred, causing all three of us to whirl around in surprise.

It was Bombalurina, standing with her paws on her hips, a knowing smile on her beautiful features as her eyebrow arched questioningly.

"Toms." Cassandra grinned wickedly. She lazily kicked a dark leg at Bombalurina, causing her to jump out of the way and lose her poise. "And you know exactly what they think."

"What can I say? I have a gift," the red queen purred with a shrug, fluffing the fur on her cheeks prissily. Cassandra chuckled at this, turning her crème colored face to the sunlight. I had never seen her so animated. She was usually very reserved—cold, almost.

Bombalurina leapt to the ground, flicking her flame-colored tail nonchalantly, "Let's go. I'm starving."

Demeter jumped down eagerly; Cassandra took the time to stretch, arching her back lazily before descending. They began to walk away. As if on hindsight, Demeter turned around, her light green eyes meeting mine with a friendly smile, "Oh, Tantomile. You're more than welcome to join us."

I could tell by the others faces—Cassandra's shocked and mildly amused expression and Bombalurina's thin nose, which wrinkled in disdain—that I was not "more than welcome" to join them. So I merely shook my head, "No thanks. I have to be meeting Coricopat soon."

"Oh, Ok," Demeter seemed to breathe a sigh of relief—or did I imagine it? Cassandra and Bombalurina exchanged knowing glances; obviously I was the butt of some personal joke between the two.

I watched the three queens leave without another word. Bombalurina leaned forward, her paw gently touching Cassandra's arm as she spoke in a low tone, Demeter leaning in eagerly to hear her. The three then threw their pretty heads back in laughter, casually glancing both ways before trotting across the street—Bombalurina on the right, hips swaying as her chin jutted forward confidently; Cassandra in the middle, moving like dark water as she walked, an elusive smile on her face; Demeter on the left, her legs moving double-time to keep up with her companions' longer strides, smiling happily as she listened to the other two discuss something.

I would never join them, never walk beside Demeter or laugh at Bombalurina's jokes. I would never understand Cassandra's mysterious ways, never comprehend how to make her laugh like Demeter did. I would forever be an outsider, no matter how hard I tried.

~*~

I was slightly depressed as I made my way home that day. I can't say that I was entirely surprised by my lack of success, but still the defeat stung. I began to think back to my kittenhood. Mother had always feared my powers, always warned me never to use them, never to speak of them. She said I would be mistreated because of them.

I thought of all the other mystics I knew—Coricopat, Teathrice, and Cassandra. I didn't understand it. Cassandra was by all accounts considered a mystic, like myself. She could not tell the future, but she did remember all of her past lives and had several uncanny abilities that could not be explained by anything less than mysticism. Yet Demeter and Bombalurina seemed at complete ease around her.

And Teathrice—everyone respected her, admired her even! She was not an insider, but she was accepted much more cordially than I was. The others would speak to her, smile at her—provided that I was not sitting beside her, for if I was, they avoided us. She could approach anyone and be greeted with warmth.

And then there was Coricopat. My own brother. Like me, he had been shunned, but unlike me, whenever he approached cats, they seemed to be polite, almost friendly towards him. They hadn't fully accepted him yet, but they no longer avoided him.

So that left me. What had I done wrong? As I mentally reviewed my life, I could find no sin, no wrong that I had committed against the Jellicles. Perhaps it was not something that I had done, but a defect—something I was born with? Perhaps I was born with something missing, and the other cats sensed this. Perhaps that is why they avoided me—they could see the missing space inside, while I traipsed around, oblivious to my own defect.

I shook my head. No. There was nothing wrong with me…which meant the problem lie with the other Jellicles. Something in them was off, something inside of them made them fear me, made them call me names and shun my presence. What was it?

My musings were interrupted by Coricopat, who entered the human house with a self-satisfied smile, "Well, you were right, Mil. I am rather good at socializing."

"Glad to hear it," I tried to make my voice contain the joy that I did not feel, but I failed miserably. Cori didn't notice. "I mean, it's crazy—it was just like old times! Lonz and I went down to—"

"Lonz?" I looked at him. Coricopat, "Yeah, ya know—Alonzo."

"I know who he is," I said coldly. I could feel the ugly thunderhead of jealousy bubbling inside my chest. "I just didn't know you two were on such friendly terms."

"Well we are now," Corico shrugged. "We used to call him that when we were little, remember?"

"Yes," I replied. "But I can't believe he would allow you to do so now."

"Why not?"

I shrugged carelessly, turning my attention to the window, "No reason. Doesn't matter now."

Corico shifted uneasily; he could sense my displeasure. Unsure of what to do, he shot me a mental message.

_Mil?_

_Not now, Cori. I'm tired._

_I'm sorry. I don't know what I did wrong, but I'm sorry._

_We'll talk later. Right now I want to rest._

_OK._ Cori turned and left the room quietly, his pink padded paws never making a sound. I felt awful for upsetting my brother—he hadn't done anything to warrant my hostility.

_Cori?_ I knew he was somewhere in the house.

_Yeah._

_I'm sorry for being so short with you. I just…it's been a long day. But I really am happy for you. I'm glad you've got new friends._

_Yeah, me too. They've invited me to go out with them tomorrow night._

_Sounds like fun._

_I dunno._

_You should go,_ I prompted gently. _It will be good for you._

_You think so?_

_I do. Go. Have fun._

Little did I know, this was the beginning of the darkest time of my life.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

"Aw, Bast what a night!" Coricopat entered the house laughing, throwing himself onto a nearby pillow with a careless air. I stared down at him from my perch in the windowsill. He had spent another night on the town with Alonzo and the Rum Tum Tugger, helping the two toms read unsuspecting queens' minds and helping them "score chicks", as Rum Tum Tugger fondly referred to his favorite pastime.

I wrinkled my nose in disgust, "You reek of alcohol and seedy bars."

"Tugger chose the location this time," Corico sighed happily, disaffected by my obvious disgust. He jumped up excitedly as he suddenly remembered, "Oh, gosh, Mil, you should have seen it. There was this one chick, with a brown coat, and she was sitting—"

I watched my brother chatter away about Tugger's latest conquest (achieved with help from Cori's telepathic abilities), not really hearing his words. Who was this cat? He looked like my brother…he sounded like my brother…he even smiled like my brother! But this was not Coricopat. This was not the cat I grew up with, the one who understood my soul and shared my pain. This cat spoke of "chicks"—a word my brother found deplorable and degrading—and bragged of using his powers on innocent, unsuspecting queens.

This cat had slowly appeared over the last few months, growing a little stronger every weekend as Cori went out with the toms. Eventually, this stranger had taken over completely, leaving little more than an empty shell of my brother. A hollow, self-seeking shell, without a soul or a conscience.

Despite his odd transformation, I was jealous. I had watched Coricopat slowly become one of them, enviously turning my attention to his every move. Oh, they didn't understand him like I did! Sure, they laughed with him, went out to party with him, but no one knew the true Corico. No one could even begin to comprehend him like I did. He was mine—mine alone! My brother, my friend, my only shelter in life's storms. He did not belong to them; he did not belong with them—his place was beside me, watching as the others lived their lives. No, he was not supposed to become one of them. He was not supposed to leave me alone, to abandon me for fair-weather friends and fleeting happiness.

We had stopped speaking telepathically weeks ago. I suppose Coricopat was directing all his power towards other females, for his friends' enjoyment. I had fallen into a slight depression at the loss of my brother; I often wouldn't leave the house for days at a time. Teathrice was concerned, but whenever she asked what was wrong, I avoided her question. This created a distance between us as well, for when she spoke, I would not answer, and I never spoke to her, choosing to look bleakly out at the yard instead.

I cocked my head to the side curiously, watching my brother as he told this endless drabble of a tale, motioning wildly with his front paws.

"Do you even realize how foolish you look?" I interrupted coldly, squinting my eyes and trying to see some semblance of the old Coricopat.

He was silent for a moment. Finally, he lost that ridiculous expression.

"I am detecting some hostility from you," Corico said quietly. "And I don't know what I have done to deserve such cold treatment."

I felt a pang of regret at the accusation. At the same time, I was filled with such a dark jealousy that I scared myself. Never had I felt so passionately about anything—never had I felt such emotion. I could not contain my feelings any longer.

"Don't you see?!" I cried out, my voice hoarse with emotion. "They don't care about you, Coricopat—not like I do! They are just using you!"

"Why would you say something like that?" Corico's innocent face was filled with hurt.

"Because it's the truth," I said darkly, my voice containing the venom of hatred and jealousy.

"Why do you have to be so cruel?" Corico asked. "Why can't you believe that someone would like me for me?"

"Because you are a freak!"

There was a moment of horror. I couldn't believe it—that word, that word I had come to hate with a passion that could outshine the sun! I had spoken that vile, awful word! I had used it like a weapon against my own brother, my flesh and blood. What had I done?

Despite my own shock, I could not back down. I continued relentlessly, my anger so bright that I only concentrated on one thing: hurting my brother, "Why do you think Alonzo and Rum Tum Tugger hang out with you? Because you help them get queens! They don't invite you because you are their friend—they invite you because you are a freak with a gift, a gift they can use! Do you honestly think they could care less about you? Do you?"

Coricopat looked down at the floor. I could see his eyes glisten with tears in the waning moonlight. He took a ragged breath—I could hear the sobs in his chest, the ones he tried to hard to suppress. Finally, he spoke.

"You know what? You sound just like Mother."

~*~

My brother could not have cut me deeper, even if he tried. His last remark fell upon my ears like a death toll, causing my mind to stop for a moment. Oh, bast, had I really become the one I hated? Had my jealousy turned me into the spiteful, ignorant cat that I called Mother?

I took a deep breath, my mind still reeling from the thought. Suddenly, I realized how horrid I had been, "I…I'm sorry, Coricopat. I don't know what else to say. I just…I miss you. I know I was angry, and I said a lot of hurtful things, but to be honest, all I really wanted to say was that I missed you, and I wanted you to come back. To start being my brother again."

"Oh, Tanto," Corico's face softened. Try as he might, he never could stay angry at me. He jumped up beside me on the window sill, wrapping his tail around me affectionately. "I'm here. I'll always be your brother; nothing can change that. And I'm sorry too—sorry that I haven't been around as much. I just got caught up in it all. I've never had friends before—I like it. I just got so busy that I didn't realize…"

I nodded. "It's Ok. We both just need to learn how to communicate."

Cori gave a soft laugh, "Never thought that'd be a problem for the two of us."

"Sometimes the closest relationships are the ones we take for granted," I said softly. It struck me as odd that I would be giving advice about relationships, but Corico didn't pick up on the irony of the situation.

"So," Cori sat up, looking forward determinedly. "From now on, I will spend less time out with the toms. And you will learn to talk to me again."

I nodded in agreement. My brother gave a soft chuckle.

"What?" I looked at him. He shook his head. "Just something this chick said tonight. We were down at the—"

I stared blankly at my brother as he launched into another mindless tale of his most recent mental conquest. Despite our heart-to-heart (and my rather harsh accusations), he had not changed. I knew he would be true to his word—he would spend more time with me, but it would not be like old times. The new Coricopat was here to stay, apparently. And nothing I said or did would bring the old one back.

Once again, I did not listen to his words, choosing instead to observe his movements.

Did he even notice how disinterested I was? Did he even care? Oh, how useless were his words! How frivolous, how full of lies and ignorance! Words—what an epic waste of time! With words he had promised me to mend his ways, and with those same words he had proven himself to be a liar. With words I had been labeled and cast out, with words my life had changed forever. Oh, how I hated them—so fleeting, yet they possessed the power to change a life.

Then and there, I made a decision. I decided never to speak again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Please don't think me foolish. I knew it was physically impossible to spend the rest of my life in silence, no matter how hard I tried. Still, I decided that I would stay silent for as long as I could, just to see if anyone would notice, or even care.

I think that Teathrice noticed, but she was too polite to confront me about it. I had become very withdrawn over the past few weeks before my decision; I had spoken less and less to the grey queen. So when I fell silent completely, she assumed that I was merely going deeper into my depression. Teathrice was a good friend—my only friend—but she was too scared to ask what was wrong. Uncertain of how to deal with the problem, she soon began to avoid me entirely. Well, she didn't avoid me so much as she stopped spending time at the junkyard. Eventually the only time she appeared in the Jellicle haven was when the Elders were called together.

My mother didn't notice, of course, because she had stopped speaking to me long ago. If my father noticed, he didn't say so. He and I had not spoken much since I had moved in with my new humans. Of course the others didn't notice at all—they never spoke to me anyways.

To my everlasting surprise, it was several months before Cori even realized that I had stopped speaking. This was mainly due to the fact that my brother, despite his promise, now spent every night out on the town with the toms. When he returned home, he would chatter aimlessly, never even bothering to ask how I was or what was going on in my life. So he never noticed that I simply nodded my head or looked away in boredom. Still, it hurt to know that after four months of silence, my brother still had not noticed.

~*~

Despite the fact that I was now virtually alone—no Teathrice, a non-existent Coricopat—I still went to the junkyard. I found myself watching the others even more intently, obsessing over their lives—lives which made my own seem like a shadow in a room of lights.

Shy, beautiful Demeter. In all honesty, she was exquisite—the most beautiful queen in the yard. I think Bombalurina knew this, and that is why she was so close to Demeter, keeping her under the impression that no one could be as attractive as the red queen. Bombalurina had beauty, too, but she possessed the kind that would fade over time, withering slowly like a rose in autumn. Not Demeter. No, Demeter would stay beautiful forever.

Cassandra, whose true nature still eluded me, and her faithful follower, Alonzo. True, Alonzo still went out every night with his brother, The Rum Tum Tugger, and Corico. But I read his mind once, out of idle curiosity, and I learned that he stayed out all night because he feared to sleep—to sleep and dream of Cassandra, who haunted him with her coldness and inability to return his love. Alonzo lost himself in the comfort of strangers, desperately trying to find someone to replace the smoky queen, but sadly, he found none.

Munkustrap. Ah, brave Munkustrap. He was one of those odd cats who was born with an overwhelming sense of duty. He was not self-righteous, but he was noble, always choosing the way of truth and courage. How could he be so selfless? Oftentimes I watched him place his own feelings aside for the greater good. I saw him shun companionship in order to watch over us; I watched him shake off his own desires to help others. He truly was a good cat; I knew that whenever Old Deuteronomy finally went to Heaviside Layer, we would all be in good hands. Munkustrap would keep us safe from all harm, even if it meant that harm should come to him.

Jellyorum, the unofficial mother of the tribe. She cared for the kits like they were her own, dutifully watching over them without complaint. She had produced three kittens—Asparagus and Demter, and later Etcetera—and yet she still found it in her heart to help Jennyanydots raise the orphaned strays that now belonged to the Jellicle Tribe.

And then there was my mother. Jennyanydots. The smartest cat in all of London. I never could figure out how I felt about her—at times I hated her, hated her for giving birth to me, for making me ashamed of my gift, for failing to stand up for me when everyone else spoke such hateful words against me. Then at times, I pitied her. For all her knowledge, she still had not learned how to accept her own kittens. She and Skimbleshanks never had any more kittens after Cori and I were born; I think she feared producing more misfits. I think there were times when she regretted turning her back on us; perhaps that is why she cared so dearly for the orphans. Perhaps that was her atonement. At other times, I loved her. I respected her—she was an Elder, a reader of human, a wise and kindly cat at times. When she was younger, I'm sure she was even considered beautiful—for she still had timeless features, a strong nose and enchanting eyes, that did not change no matter how much time passed.

I never understood how she inspired so many conflicting emotions within me. Try as I might, I never could completely make her the villain in my life's story; yet I could not make her the savior, either. But what bothered me more than anything was the simple fact that, despite my ability to read minds, I never really knew how she felt about me.

~*~

Bombalurina was flirting with Coricopat again. Oh, how she touched him—it made my blood boil! Didn't he know those delicate fingers had caressed a thousand others just like that? How could he feel warmth in her touch, knowing her heart was as cold as ice?

Her hungry mouth gleamed with anticipation as she leaned over to whisper in his ear. My brother responded with a warm smile and a nod of agreement. He whispered something to her; she threw her head back and laughed gaily, her lilting voice traveling all the way to my perch in the tree.

I sat up, disgusted with the scene unfolding before me. Surely my brother couldn't be that stupid. No, wait…he could. He was. For there he sat at the red queen's feet as she lightly teased him, occasionally turning to Alonzo or Asparagus or some other tom to offer a friendly smile and an alluring arch of her brow. She was holding court, with all the toms sitting around her like mindless pigeons.

In that moment I felt truly envious. It wasn't enough that Bombalurina could have any tom she wanted—she had to have them all! I thought about how painfully different our lives were: she had many lovers, whilst I had none. Then, I realized something: in the end, we would end up the same, abandoned and alone. I didn't know the red queen that well, but I knew that Bombalurina was too self-destructive to allow herself true happiness. She would never take a mate, never have kits. She would be very much like me someday. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday.

The only difference was this: before becoming a lonely old spinster, Bombalurina would fill her life to the brim with fun and laughter, squeezing every precious minute, hugging each moment tightly to her chest and enjoying her life to the fullest. Sadly, I could not say the same about myself.

I began to wonder what I was doing here. Not in the junkyard or even in London, but here, on earth. What was I doing with the time I had been given, the life so preciously bestowed upon me by the Everlasting Cat? I didn't have an answer. Perhaps I should change that.

~*~

The Jellicle Ball came and went again. Again, I did not attend, although I'm sure my brother did. By that time, I was only vaguely aware of his comings and goings. It didn't matter anymore—I had accepted the fact that my brother was truly lost to me. I think I would have coped better if he had been dead. If Coricopat had died, I would have mourned his loss, but eventually I would have recovered.

But this was more than I could bear. He was alive, but he lived without me. The telepathic bond that had once united us—that invisible cord that I thought would link us forever, even past death—was now severed by Corico's strange ways and my own vow of silence.

That night I felt his loss more than usual. I curled up in my basket, allowing the cold moonlight to envelope me with its softness. The moon never changed. Sure, she waxed and waned and hid her face, but she always returned. It was a comforting thought.

I fell into uneasy sleep, my mind filled with dark dreams and cries for help. I don't know how, but Coricopat must have sensed my distress, because I awoke to the sound of his inner voice echoing loudly in my head.

_Tantomile! Tantomile, what's wrong? Are you hurt? Are you in trouble?_

I sat up slowly, looking around in confusion. My brother was not inside the house. Still, my twin's location was the least of my worries. Oh, the darkness I had witnessed! Could it be real? I prayed it was only a dream.

_Demeter_, my inner voice croaked, rusty from almost of year of disuse.

_What?_ Cori's voice came again.

In my panic, I could not express any other thought, _Demeter, Demeter, Demeter…_

_Tantomile, talk to me!_

I found that I could no longer respond. I guess I didn't possess the strength to continue communicating with my brother. Once again, I slipped into darkness, walking along the twilight between sleeping and waking.

I awoke to see Coricopat's worried face looming above me, shaking me from my uneasy slumber, "Mil, wake up! Wake up! What happened?"

I shot him a telepathic message, _I just had this dream—or maybe it was a vision, I don't know—about Demeter. Oh, Cori, it was awful_.

_What's wrong with your inner voice?_ Coricopat noticed the rasp in my tone. I shot daggers at him with my eyes, _We haven't spoken telepathically in almost a year. But you've been a bit too busy to notice, haven't you? Too busy with your friends and your fleeting fancies_.

Corico hung his head in shame. _You're right. I have been too busy to notice. I'm sorry_.

I did not respond. Cori's voice pleaded in my head, _Please don't stay angry, Mil. I'll change; I promise I will._

_Your promise means nothing to me,_ I replied icily, turning away. _You promised to change months ago, but you never did._

There was a moment of silence as my twin realized that I spoke the truth.

_How can I make this up to you?_ He asked.

_Don't make anymore promises_, I responded, turning back to face him. _Just admit that you've changed; that's all I want. Admit that you're not the same, so that we can go our separate ways._

My brother looked up at me in alarm,_ Separate ways?_

_That's what I said._

_But, why?_

_Because it needs to be done. If we have nothing in common then we should part ways. There is no reason for you to stay here; no reason for me to live with a complete stranger. It is time for us to grow up, Coricopat._

_Growing up doesn't mean we have to grow apart._

_But we have._

_There's still time to change that._

_No, _I shook my head sadly. _The time for change has passed._

_Don't do this, Tantomile._

_It has to be done. _I give my brother a soft smile as I turn to go. _Goodbye, Coricopat._


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

**_*Author's Note: Sorry, guys, this one is a wee bit longer than the rest...but I just couldn't find a good stopping point! Enjoy!*_**

I didn't know where I was going. I remembered my dream—what a dark and terrible dream!—and suddenly I was filled with an overwhelming urge to find Demeter. Once I reached the junkyard, I realized that I didn't even know where Demeter lived. She had been born a junkyard cat, but if my memory served me correctly, I remembered Coricopat mentioning that Demeter and Bombalurina shared the same human.

I sat on the sidewalk and closed my eyes, opening the telepathic tunnels once again. I concentrated on Demeter, recalling a thousand different flashes of her face in order to establish the link. Suddenly, my feet began to move and I traveled through the dark and damp streets of London until I reached a small house. I leapt to the windowsill and peered inside cautiously. I could see Demeter's small form stretched out across the couch, her chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm as she slept peacefully.

So it was just a dream.

I breathed a sigh of relief and turned to go. Now that my initial fear had worn off, my mind began to question itself. Why did I dream about Demeter? Sure, we had been friends as kittens, but now there was no close connection between us. She had been friendly towards me, but so had Teathrice, and yet I did not dream of the grey queen.

I shook the thoughts from my head and chalked it up to not getting enough sleep and having an overactive imagination. I still had to find a place to sleep for the night. With a heavy sigh, I made my way through the streets once more. I found a kindly homeless woman who let me curl up beside her in the alleyway. I felt a slight sense of camaraderie as I slept next to her—two outcasts, living on the fringes of the world and still surviving. Coricopat and I used to be like that. Now we were complete strangers. I missed him.

~*~

The next morning I set out once more, determined to find a home for myself. My last humans had been a young couple who barely stayed at home—apparently they traveled a lot. This time, I decided to go for an old woman. They were always the kindest.

I found one who looked promising, but sadly I realized that she lived in my old neighborhood—just a few doors down from Jennyanydots. I could not stay in such close proximity to my mother.

It seemed that my luck had run out—if I ever had any luck to begin with. I decided to pass the night in the junkyard—it wasn't the best place, but at least I would be safe. I climbed into my usual perch in the tree, found a space large enough to sleep in, and quietly drifted off.

~*~

My whole body was sore from sleeping on the rough tree branch. I blinked in the bright sunlight, slowly stretching out my tired muscles. I looked down to see Bombalurina making her way through the yard, looking around distractedly. Her pretty face bore an expression that I had never seen before—one of concern. You could almost say she looked frightened.

I knew something was up. Bombalurina did not even stop to flirt with any of her pets, much less smile at them. This was not like her at all.

She made her way to Alonzo, her mouth pursed in worry. Even her voice had lost its usual seductive air, "Alonzo, have you seen Demeter?"

"Can't say that I have," the black and white tom replied nonchalantly. Then, noticing the queen's worried expression, he suddenly became more concerned, "Why? What's wrong, Bomba?"

"I haven't seen her in a coupla days," the red queen admitted.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean she hasn't been home for the past two nights. I'm scared, Alonzo," her dark brown eyes declared that she wasn't lying about that last statement. "This isn't like Dem at all."

"I know," Alonzo agreed, his brow furrowing into a hard line. "C'mon. We have to go find Munku."

The two cats left the yard again, and I felt a stab of fear pierce my stomach. Oh, Bast, had my dream come true?

In an instant, I knew that it had.

I had to do something. I left my perch and set out to find Munkustrap. I didn't know where Demeter was, but I knew she was in trouble. If anyone would know what to do, it would be the silver tabby. Munkustrap always knew what to do.

I found Munkustrap and Alonzo standing on the sidewalk. And for the first time in almost a year, I spoke. For Demeter, I broke my vow.

"Munkustrap," I said, much louder than I had intended. The silver tabby jumped at the jarring sound of my voice, turning around quickly to face me. He regarded me strangely—not with fear, but surprise, "Tantomile. How are you today?"

Typical Munkustrap. Even when things were going badly, he retained his manners.

"Demeter is in trouble," I croaked. Bast, after so many months of rest, my vocal chords were now holding a mutiny against me.

The Protector's eyes widened in concern, "What do you mean?"

"I know she's missing," I replied. Slowly but surely, my voice was getting better. "I don't know where she is or who took her, but I know she's in trouble. Someone has kidnapped her."

"What?!" Alonzo cried out in dismay. I nodded gravely, never taking my eyes from Munkustrap. The silver tabby looked at me curiously, "How do you know this?"

"I just…sensed it," I said simply. No sense in relaying my nightmare. I could see the realization dawn on both of their faces—the toms suddenly remembered that I was a mystic. How on earth could they have forgotten?

"Wait…" Alonzo's brain was working furiously now. "So…you can see the future, right? Could you possibly take a peek into the future and see what the place looks like? Find out where she is, who she's with?"

I shook my head, "It doesn't work like that. I only see what the Future allows me to see. We're lucky that I even knew she was kidnapped."

"Although that doesn't help us much," Munkustrap muttered to himself. He focused his intense eyes on me, "Do you remember anything from when you…sensed this?"

"I just remember hearing Demeter cry," I admitted, biting my lip as I tried to remember the dream. "And wherever she was, it was cold…and damp."

"Somewhere underground," Alonzo surmised. "Basement of sorts. It's summertime—that would be the only place cold or damp in this weather."

Munkustrap nodded in agreement. He turned to me hopefully, "Anything else?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but I was cut off by Alonzo's voice, "They're back!"

Munkustrap and I turned to see Bombalurina and Rum Tum Tugger making their way down the street. I could tell by the dark tom's expression that he was unhappy.

"Well?" Munkustrap stepped forward anxiously. I slipped back into the shadows of the yard. They did not need me anymore.

"Macavity has Demeter," Bombalurina declared, jutting her chin out in a rather dramatic manner. Rum Tum Tugger had moved away from her, crossing his arms in a sullen nature.

I felt my heart stop. Macavity? Oh, poor Demeter! I had heard tales of the gingercat's wicked deeds ever since I was a kit; I knew the evil he was capable of. And he had Demeter—my poor, sweet, beautiful Demeter!

I shocked myself with that last thought. _My_ Demeter? Since when did she become mine?

_When you prophesied about her,_ came the small voice inside my head. I disappeared further into the depths of the pipe, ignoring the continuing conversation amongst the other four Jellicles. I didn't prophesy about Demeter!

_Yes you did_.

Suddenly, my own words came hurtling back to me at full force.

_On this night, many nights from tonight_

_A Jellicle will lose its flower_

Oh, Bast and all the Cats in Heaviside! What had I done?

~*~

I was filled with an overwhelming need to find Teathrice. She was the only one who could help me.

I left the yard, quickly finding her human house. I don't think I had ever been there before; I simply knew where it was. I found the grey queen sunning herself in the windowsill, her eyes closed as she smiled contentedly to herself.

"Teathrice!" I called from below. I saw her gentle face appear in the windowpane, "Tantomile?"

"Please, I need your help," I looked up pleadingly. With a swift flick of her paw, Teathrice opened the window and landed lightly beside me on the ground. "What's wrong, Tantomile?"

She never asked why I had avoided her, or accused me of shutting her out or refused to help. She was simply there when I needed her. I will always be grateful for that.

"It's Demeter," I answered. "She's been taken by Macavity."

Teathrice gave a small cry of dismay. I continued, "And…and I think I might have caused it."

"What?" Teathrice's golden eyes flew open in shock. I nodded quickly, gulping back the tears that threatened my eyes, "I-I predicted it, all those years ago."

"A Jellicle will lose its flower," Teathrice breathed the words, suddenly remembering my prophecy. She looked at me, "But just because you foretold the future doesn't mean you could prevent it. You didn't even know what it was referring to, or that it would be Demeter! You couldn't have done anything about it, Tantomile."

"But I also had a dream—a vision—the night it happened," I admitted. "And I went to check on her. She was fine…sleeping peacefully. So I left. I should have stayed. If I had been there, none of this would have happened. If I had—"

"Are you serious?" Teathrice looked at me incredulously. "Tantomile, if Macavity's got her, it's because he wanted _her_. Macavity gets what Macavity wants. Nothing you could have done would have changed that."

"But I had been there—"

"You would have what? Fought him off with your claws?" Teathrice gave a dark laugh. "Tantomile, you would have been defenseless against him. Macavity's a conjuring cat. No, dear, if you had been there, the only thing that would have changed would be that Macavity would have two captives instead of one…if he decided to let you live."

I shuddered at the thought of becoming Macavity's prisoner. Still, I thought to myself, if he had taken me, at least I could have been there to take care of Demeter. Despite Teathrice's words and the truth behind them, I couldn't help but feel guilty about the whole ordeal. I had a gift, and yet I couldn't use it to protect the others. What was the point in having such a gift?

As if she had read my mind, Teathrice put a comforting paw on my shoulder, "Don't blame yourself, Tantomile. You couldn't have known, and even if you did know, you couldn't have done anything about it."

I nodded morosely, trying to overcome the feelings of doubt that struggled in my breast. My mind replayed Demeter's cries, like an endless reel; I could not shake the sound from my head. Teathrice stood up, "Come. We cannot change the past, but we can do something about the present. Let us see what we can do to help the others."

I followed her back to the yard, where Rum Tum Tugger was organizing a search party. It was strange, seeing the carefree tom take such an authoritative role.

"Asparagus, take Cassandra and Tumblebrutus. Jenny, stay here with the kits. No, Cetty, you're too young to go."

"But Dem's my sister," tears filled Etcetera's eyes. Rum Tum Tugger crouched beside her, his arm wrapped comfortingly around the little queen, "I know, Cetty. But if you go out looking for her, we'll be busy worrying about you. So the way to help us is to stay here."

The kitten nodded, tears streaking down her cheeks. Tugger stood once more, resuming his directions, "Admetus, go with Skimble. Pouncival, you're too young. Stay here."

"What can we do?" Teathrice stepped forward, her eyes set in concern. The maine coon motioned to us, "You two, go with Roary. Notekins will take Jellyorum and Coricopat. Alright, everyone, each of you take a section of the city and search it from top to bottom. Pay close attention to abandoned warehouses and places that are underground, like basements."

Perhaps I had helped a little. They were using my details to help find Demeter.

Roary Huffersnuff, a red and black tabby with a scar across his cheek, stepped forward. "Let's get to work, ladies."

Teathrice nodded and quickly trotted after him. I did the same. I didn't know Roary very well—just enough to be very afraid of him. I knew he was an Elder and a fighter of the worst kind. Still, he upheld the Law of the Jellicle and gave Old Deuteronomy the respect and honor that he deserved.

"How could this have happened?" He asked in a low tone, not bothering to look at me or Teathrice.

"I don't know," Teathrice admitted softly, moving slightly closer to the tom. "These things happen, Roary. You know this."

"Not on my watch," he growled. He shook his head, "I was watching the perimeter the evening she was taken. How could I not have seen it?"

"I don't think it happened at the Ball," Teathrice said quietly. There was something strange in the way she comforted him. Suddenly, I realized it. They were lovers. Maybe not now, but at some point, these two had been lovers. In fact, by the way they acted, it had been a very long time since they had been together, but the bond between them still remained.

For once, I was not filled with jealousy. I suppose I was too busy worrying about Demeter. In fact, I felt slightly happy—happy for Teathrice. She had known love, and possibly heartbreak, if the tender way she spoke to him held any indication, and I was happy that my friend had lived in some small way.

~*~

We did not find Demeter. No matter how hard I tried to reconnect with the intuition that had led me to her door, I could not find her. Wherever she was, she was too weak to function, which kept me from picking up on her telepathic pulse. Perhaps she was unconscious. I shuddered at the other possibility—perhaps she was dead. No, something deep inside told me that she was still alive.

"Any luck?" Asparagus looked up at us hopefully as we entered the yard. Roary shook his head, "Sorry."

Asparagus' face fell in disappointment. Then, it relit with guarded hope, "There's still another team out there. Perhaps they've got her."

I knew how hard this must have been for Asapargus—to know that his sister was in the clutches of the evilest cat in London, and perhaps the world. To know that even if Demeter survived, she would bear the scar of Macavity forever…oh, Demeter!

The last team returned without the black and gold queen. We all sat around in a circle, all dead-tired but too distraught to return home. For once, the others did not recoil at my presence. Their eyes were not filled with fear—no, their eyes were dull, devoid of emotion as they dealt with the realization that Demeter may never return.

I saw Teathrice wrap her tail comfortingly around Roary; he returned the gesture. My mother sat next to them, the kittens all huddled around her like chicks beneath a hen. I watched how she cared for them—how tenderly she spoke, how softly she caressed their worried heads! I did not remember a single instance where she ever showed such affection toward me or my twin. Still, I did not have the strength to be angry.

_Mil?_ Cori's voice whispered softly. I saw him seated beside Jellyorum, who smoothed Etcetera's fur comfortingly.

_Yeah._

_This was what you dreamed about, wasn't it?_

_It was_, I admitted with an inner sigh. _I went to check on her, after I left. And she was fine. I don't understand._

_It's not your fault. _My brother said gently. _I just didn't want you to think that it was your fault._

I forced a small smile. _I know_.

_And Mil?_

_What?_

_I know I haven't been the best brother in the world…hell, I've been the worst, _Cori admitted with a sheepish grin. His face became solemn once again. _I wasn't always there when you wanted me to be, but I've always been there when you needed me. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad about leaving—you had every right to do so. You put up with my selfishness for a long time. I never thought you'd get lonely because…well, you always seem so independent. Like you don't need anyone. And I'm always left feeling like I'm getting in the way. Like I'm burdening you with my neediness._

_Burdening me?_

_Yes. Even when we were younger, you could do just fine on your own. But me, I always needed you beside me. I needed your approval, your confidence. But you didn't need any of that from me. Never understood it…and I began to feel like my need for you was…draining you in some way._

I almost laughed_. Draining me of what? Cori, I had no one else but you! I don't mind being needed._

_You say that now…_Cori trailed off_. But there will come a day when you find someone that you need…someone who will be all the things for you that I can't. But you'll still be worried about me, and you won't take that chance. You would throw away happiness just because I needed you. I know you, Mil, I know how you are._

_Cori, what are you—_

_That's why I did it, Mil. That's why I stayed away. I wanted to prove to you, to prove to myself that I could live without you. _

_And could you? _I asked, almost tentatively_._

_No._

I felt a smile spread across my lips—a genuine smile, the kind that actually reaches your eyes. _I tried that too, Cori, and it failed. When you were going out with the toms, I felt so…empty inside. I don't want to feel like that for the rest of my life._

_You won't, _Corico promised, _Because I'll be here for you. Nothing will come between us again, Mil. Nothing._

And this time, I knew he was telling the truth.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

**_*Author's Note: This is it, Chickadees! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews and helpful critiques (alex!). This shall be my last story to post in 2008; I am looking forward to more fun and Jellicle-ness in the future, but only if you guys continue to read my stuff!! God bless you and your family in the coming year, keeping His hand of mercy and protection over all who travel to be with loved ones on New Year's Eve....now, I'm off to my Fabulous 80s New Year's Bash. I'm going as Cyndi Lauper, fyi. ; } *_**

They did find Demeter, but it wasn't because of our search—apparently Bombalurina had some ties to Macavity, a way of entering his world and recapturing Demeter. When the two queens returned to the yard, after Demeter's wounds had healed, they brought a little cockney troublemaker along with them, Mungojerrie. I am told he is responsible for helping the two escape.

Demeter was badly beaten, but it wasn't her body that worried me. Her soul had been bruised beyond repair—long after the scars healed, I could see the change in her demeanor. Oh, that this delicate rose had to suffer the icy touch of Macavity's cruel paw! In a small way, I still blame myself for her disappearance.

Sometimes, I go to her house to sit in the windowsill and watch her sleep. It is the only time that her face is peaceful--the only time I feel that I am seeing the true Demeter, the beautiful queen that I once knew. I watch as Bombalurina sleeps beside her, a protective paw wrapped around the black and gold queen. I think I might have been wrong about Bombalurina; I see now that she really does care for Demeter.

I moved back in with Corico. We are now closer than we ever were. Although he still occasionally goes out with the toms, we tend to keep to ourselves now. Since the fateful night of Demeter's disappearance, the other cats seem to have lost their fear of me. I'm still not on the friendliest of terms with the other queens, but at least now they do acknowledge me with a slight smile, rather than turning away in fear.

I can't help but feel that my greatest years are yet to come. I don't know why, but I can sense something new on the horizon—something strange and exciting. No idea what it is yet, so I sit and wait.

Occasionally, I am reminded of the years spent as the outcast of the tribe. I look back on that time with mixed emotions. I wish I had been stronger then—strong enough to face the gossip and the lies, to not be ashamed of myself and to prove that I could rise above the hateful label that had been placed upon me—that horrible name slapped across my forehead with little thought to the cat that lay underneath: Freak. Strange One. Different. Odd. Not Like Us. Outsider.

They are nothing but words. Useless words. I hate that I let such insignificant little letters decide who I was or how I behaved, but I am grateful for the lesson I have learned. I do not let others define me, or even label me—for no one cat can be summed up in a single word; no one life can be neatly bundled up into one sentence; and no one story can be told in a single paragraph.

As for my story, it is still being written. But from now on, I will be the one choosing how it shall end.


	10. The Prophecy Explained

**The Prophecy Explained.**

**_*Author's Note: For those of you who have been bored/depraved/forced into reading the rest of my stories, perhaps this prophecy rang a bell about certain events portrayed in other stories. I realize, however, that not everyone is foolish enough to tramp through the mire that is my work, so I'll spell it out for you. Here is Tanto's prophecy, and the meaning behind it. *_**

_Tonight a Jellicle shall lose its life._

The death of Tyrophilia, Old D's mate. For more info, read The Red Queen.

~*~

_Tonight will tip the balance between wrong and right. _

Old D's decision to extend Bomba's sentence. For more info, read The Red Queen.

~*~

_On this night, many nights from tonight_

_A Jellicle will lose its flower_

Dem's capture by Macavity. For more info, read Prisoner of Darkness. Some mention of it in The Red Queen as well.

~*~

_On this night, many nights from tonight_

_A great one will come into its power_

Misto is conceived on the night of the Jellicle Ball, between Bombalurina and Macavity, although it is a year after this prophecy that conception takes place. See The Red Queen for more info. Also, several years later, at another Jellicle Ball, Misto uses his power to retrieve Old D from Macavity. See The Red Queen for more details.

~*~

_Because of tonight, a mystic dies_

To be revealed in a later work, The Reckoning, a sequel to Dark Side of the Son.

~*~

_Because of tonight, evil shall rise_

Munkustrap's rise as the Jellicle Leader, to be detailed in an up-coming work, which shall be called Dark Side of the Son.

~*~

_An ancient shall come into being_

Ooh, another cliffhanger, to be revealed in The Darkest Hour (Just Before Dawn) a continuation of Dark Side/Reckoning. Let's just say that in every Jellicle generation, there is a cat who possesses an ancient power, which can be revealed during times of great danger. But who shall it be?

~*~

_A dead shall return to living_

The final story in the Dark Side Quadrilogy, The Power Within, shall answer this one as well. So, who's coming back? Griz? Old D? Or perhaps someone else?

~*~

_Tonight begins a tale of woe—_

_How dark its end, we may never know!_

_For the events set into motion on this darkest of nights, _

_will not reach their end til the eighth Jellicle Light._

Eighth Jellicle Light refers the number of years (8) between Tanto's original prophecy and the end of the events described in the vision_._


End file.
